Tough Times

“I’m scared,” he tells me. I stare at him slightly dumbfounded but try to continue my assessment. I’m scared too. Terrified in fact…and I’m doing everything in my power not to show it. His fear, on the other hand, is quite genuine and evident by the tears that are sliding down his cheeks and plopping silently onto his orange jump suit. I swallow hard and turn my attention to the deputy nearby, asking about any safety risks with my patient. She is rather unhelpful so I set about the task of getting my patient moved over to our gurney so we can transport him to the hospital. He has had a week of progressively worsening chest pain and he is legitimately scared that his heart is giving out on him. I try to reassure him but the irony is overwhelming. I never imagined at any point in the course of my life that I would be calming an anxious inmate. He obediently moves to my cot and lets the deputies shackle him. In the ambulance, he is somnolent as the tears continue to slide down his cheeks. He is just like any other patient now...vulnerable and terrified...with just me to try to buffer the angst. The trip to the hospital and the tranfer to the medical staff was uneventful, just like most other transports. The after-effect of this one, however, was quite different for me. The last several months have been an array of highs and lows for me. I have now been precepting for 13 months and have, quite frankly, hit the wall. My level of frustration is at an all-time high and I am more than ready to be done with the entire thing. I have had many days that I could care less if I ever get signed off to work independently in our county. It is not that I can't take care of people, it is the fact that I haven't had enough high acuity calls to be able to "prove myself" to my preceptor. And so, the days, weeks & months drag on. Don't get me wrong, I still love being a paramedic, but some days it doesn't seem like enough to cover the frustration that is my life currently. It doesn't help that lately, my personal life has been caving in as well. And so, there I was, staring at my terrified inmate patient, and realizing that, no matter how fed up I was with the world, he needed me to be at the top of my game more than he needed anything else at that moment in time. And it was at that moment in time when I knew that I needed far more of a pick-me-up than I could muster on my own. When I made the call, I'm sure my voice cracked at some point. Even as I drove across town and sat down at the table across from one of my 3 preceptors, I was shaking inside and holding back tears. I was burned out, emotionally drained, and ready to give up. "You know your medicine. I would trust you any day to take care of my family. You just need to get the calls, take charge and you WILL get through this," he told me. We talked for over an hour. I don't think he had any idea how much I needed to hear his words of encouragement. My other 2 preceptors had tried, without much success, to cheer me on. I know they meant well but something about my 3rd preceptor finally hit home. I nearly hugged him when I left that day. I wish you could understand all the terrible things that emergency responders deal with on a daily basis. And at the very same time, I'm glad that you don't have to cope with those types of things. In spite of our best efforts, at the end of the day, we are still only human and, as much as we hate to admit it, we too need help sometimes to get through the tough times. I still have a ways to go in my precepting. But I know now that I am further along than I originally thought I was. The end will come and, when it finally does, I know I have 3 amazing preceptors who will be there to celebrate with me.