All the Things I Cannot Say

I haven't posted on here lately because I'm starting to second-guess if blogging is really my thing. I originally started this more as an avenue to try to put into words my thoughts & feelings and convey some of the interesting things that I encounter in my EMS ventures. I never intended that I would have a multitude of readers & I certainly didn't anticipate any feedback from my ramblings.

I have been a lot overwhelmed lately. Most of it is in a good way but I think I've become somewhat jaded as to what an interesting day for me and an interesting day for the rest of the world is. Overall, the things that make my life beautiful and wonderful aren't grand adventures but rather the small things that I find hard to put into words. And, it seems that the small things aren't really what draws people's attention.

I want to tell you about my perplexing patient that I had on a car accident scene a couple weeks ago. I want to tell you about the baby face rookie who started a little over a year ago and who has turned out to be one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He's become like my little brother in fact. I want to tell you about my new EMS recruit and how scared I am for her but, at the same time, I know she will do great and amazing things if she only takes a moment to believe in herself. I want to tell you about all the assignments I've taken on at the department that I'm coming to realize are way out of my league. I want to tell you how everyone keeps telling me I am doing an awesome job. All the while, I'm terrified I'm screwing everything up. I want to tell you how much I loved the sunshine yesterday & how fun/terrifying/enlightening it was to be out in the community drumming up support for our upcoming annual pancake breakfast. I want to tell you about the hilarious conversations I've had with my paramedic preceptor over the last few weeks. I want to tell you about the eye-opening classes & medical standbys that I've participated in lately. I want to tell you about my coworker who is taking his paramedic test this weekend. We've done countless hours of scenarios to prep him for it & I know he will do fine. The trick is convincing him of that.

See. Nothing crazy. I wish I could find the words to put into perspective how I feel about each one of those items on that list. But, the sad truth is, no matter how long I ramble about any one of those things, it is impossible for you to see them through my eyes or feel them or understand them like I do. For the most part, they are interesting to no one but myself. They are mine & mine alone and a large part of me hates that I can't adequately share them.